Maybe
by PJOloverforeva74
Summary: What was Wally really thinking/ going through that led up to the first chapter to The Truth Behind Smiles (The rewrite) LOTS of ANGST. TRIGGER WARNINGS. R&R please. T


_**I do not own Young Justice, The Flash, or DC Comics, all right belong to their respected owners.**_

 _ **WARNING:**_ THERE WILL BE POSSIBLE TRIGGERING THINGS, SUCH AS SELF HATE/INTERNALIZED HATE, REFRENCES TO CHILD ABUSE, SUBSTANCE ABUSE, IMPLIED/REFRENCED SUICIDE ATTEMPTS. IF ANY OF THESE THINGS CANN UPSET YOU DO NOT BE AFRAID TO GO BACK AND IGNORE THIS FIC.

This is a sort of prologue to my other fic The Truth Behind Smiles, which will be finished along with my PJO one, ROTG, Bleach, and any other one I may have missed. Anyway, I couldn't sleep and I finally found my flash drive. A lot of this is based off The Flash comics, hence why I implied he doesn't actually love Artemis and is aware of that, sorry Spitfire fans. It's also fairly AU, like I know Flash (Barry) doesn't actually die in YJ. But the sickness did happen, as did him (Wally) disappearing, albeit it was in the JL/JLU animated series, and they didn't happen at the same time. Also, I kind of made Dick and Roy seem like complete and utter a**holes, but it will be revealed as to why they're like this in the fic I mentioned above. Um, so yeah, sorry Birdflash fans, and people that ship Roy and Wally (I don't know what it's called). There are no OC's in this fic all of the characters are canon to DC comics. So, without further adieu…

It was funny, he thought. How everyone always assumed that he was always happy, always excited, joyful, or full of positive emotions. How everyone always forgot that he was actually a genius, at least in science, and felt the constant need to berate his intelligence with names like _Kid Idiot_ , _Kid moron_ , _Kid stupid,_ etc. and how he was never supposed to get offended by it. How everyone believed he was in love with Artemis, and that his denial was solely based on her death; not Iris's, not Barry's, or Uncle Hal's, or John Stewart's, or Jay, or Joan, or Johnny, or Jessie, or James, or Hartley, or Max, or Ralph, or Sue, or Len, or Lisa, or Sam, or Digger, (or any of the Rogues) or Roy, or Ollie, or Dinah, or Diana, or Clark (even if he was being a douche), or Shayera (who was like the big sister he never had-only, you know, shorter), or Carter, or Bruce, or Alfred, or Jinx, or Linda, God how did they miss the fact that he had had a mini heart attack when Linda was killed, even before M'gann took over the stimulation.

Dinah thought it was just Artemis, but it really wasn't. He was already nearing the end of his rope seeing everyone he's ever loved or cared about die, and with M'gann's unleash of emotion, well…he-he started to live inside his own head and just spouted the first B.S. excuse that came to mind so no one would notice something was wrong. He'd learn years ago, after conversing with J'onn, that at a certain speed, not even Martian telepathy could pick it up, let alone understand it. So that's what he did, at least a third of his mind. Another third was simply reacting to everything that was happening, which was why it took him so long to realize Rob's suicide plan. The last third just shut down, and threatened to consume him, so he let it, at least after M'gann and J'onn had left and it was just him and Rob.

 _Worthless_

 _Useless_

 _Unworthy_

 _Disappointment_

 _Slacker_

 _Child_

 _Clown_

 _It's_ _ **your**_ _fault._

 _They're dead_ _ **because of you**_ _._

 _You basically_ _ **killed**_ _them._

 _You_ _ **killed everyone**_ _who've ever bothered to care about you._

 _Dad's right._

 _You're arrogant_

 _Chauvinistic_

 _Pig_

 _Disgusting_

 _ **You're letting your friend die**_ _right now_

 _Uncle Barry would be_ _ **so disappointed**_ _._

 _You're going to make Auntie I cry, the first person to ever love you is going to cry because_ _ **you are a damn failure**_ _._

 _Some hero you turned out to be._

 _You can be anywhere in a flash, you're the fastest teen alive and yet_ _ **you couldn't save them…**_

… _ **what**_ _are you even good for?_

… _ **why**_ _are you even a hero if you can't even save the people you care about?_

 _You let people right in front of you die, you worthless…Wallace Rudolph West,_ _ **f**** up extraordinaire.**_

And they kept circling, back and forth, like a scratched record that would keep repeating the same section of song over and over again, for months. For years. Except more things started to be added onto those thoughts. To add fuel to the fire, he found out he was dying, shortly after almost disappearing into nothingness, into the Speedforce. He almost laughed when he heard the news. No, wait-he did laugh. He laughed so loudly that he sounded as if he'd been doped up on Joker gas, he was pretty sure he'd scared Bats, Jay, and Jason into thinking he finally went off the deep end. Yet he couldn't stop running. Not when the JL needed a Flash, when Central and Keystone needed their protector. Even if every time he ran he killed himself a little bit, if every time he was closer to fully disappearing. He couldn't. Because Barry taught him that there are somethings that are bigger than us. And saving people, using his powers and being a hero was certainly bigger than Wallace Rudolph West. Even if his dad said otherwise.

 _You're_ _ **not good enough**_ _._

 _You're_ _ **barely**_ _passable as Kid Flash, now you think you can be_ _ **THE FLASH**_ _, as if, you'd just_ _ **desecrate**_ _Barry's memory._

 _ **Aunt Iris would hate you**_ _for trying to replace Uncle Barry, her husband, who deserved her love far more than you ever did, you ungrateful punk._

 _You can_ _ **never**_ _be as good as Uncle Barry, or Jay._

 _You can_ _ **never**_ _be good enough for the Justice League._

 _You can_ _ **never**_ _be good enough for Central City, or Keystone City._

 _You can/will_ _ **NEVER**_ _be good enough for anyone._

 _ **You**_ _just_ _ **disappoint everyone**_ _you've ever met._

 _That's why Hal left._

 _That's why Frances went insane._

 _You did that to her._

 _That's why Dick-Rob-Nightwing (you don't deserve to even say his name) looks at you like you're a lost cause-you are one; you abandoned him, days after you said you never would, now he's all alone and hurting and he_ _ **HATES**_ _you._

 _That's why he glares at you whenever you try to surprise visit him at his apartment in Bludhaven, that's why he ignores all your calls and texts, (you even had to ask the Bat if he changed his number), that's why he blocked you from all of his social media and threw away all pictures with the two of you that he owned or just cut your head out of the picture if it was a group one._

 _That's why Roy went off the deep end after you tried talking to him after he found out he was a mole. That's why Roy's drug addiction got worse. You knew about his drug abuse before he was even admitted into the JL, you knew and you didn't help him. You ignored it. And lied whenever he asked you if you were okay after seeing the signs that he'd been shooting up. What kind of a friend does that? And You told him! You told him you knew, so you deserved getting the ever loving crap being beaten out of you just like it always is-except this wasn't dad- Roy-boy was hitting and he knew how to hurt, how to kill you, how to destroy you, you unintentionally slipped up one day, and he knew somethings that killed you to hear out loud, that hurt to know he would use it against you._

 _But you deserved it._

 _You failed as his friend, so you deserved to be hurt by him._

 _And by D-Nightwing._

 _You're the reason Auntie I_ _ **DIED**_ _._

 _You're the reason Uncle B disappeared._

 _You're the reason Jay was in_ _ **a coma**_ _f_ _ **or**_ _almost_ _ **three years**_ _._

 _You're the reason Joan got a heart attack._

 _You're the reason both Johnny and Max simply vanished, leaving Jessie, Liberty Bell, all alone and_ _ **despising**_ _you._

 _You're the reason Jason died._

 _He called you…you promised you'd be there whenever he called in a flash…_

 _You f******* liar_

 _ **You deserved to be hurt**_ _by the Bat when he found out._

 _You don't deserve to get the girl of your dreams._

 _You don't deserve to have parents who love you._

 _You don't deserve to have a support system._

 _You don't deserve to have family._

 _You don't deserve to have friends._

 _You don't deserve to be loved._

 _You don't deserve to be happy._

…

 _You don't deserve to live._

 _Dickie bird said this._

 _And he's always right, right?_

 _So it must be true._

 _Even if Uncle Len doesn't believe it._

That's how he ended up in front of the shop of wishes in Japan. He wished that he could be happy, that he deserved to be happy. That he **believed** he deserved to be happy, even if the price was his worst memories. He just…

So, as he was running around the arctic with Barry and Bart (who was better than anything he could have ever hope to be) and gradually disappearing like he had been years ago, and feeling the pain of his secret ailment, he finally felt happy. Even as he ran next to the Black Flash. He felt happy because he finally saved the ones he loved. As he dissolved even his thoughts agreed with him…because if he got to enter the Speedforce, speedster heaven, then he must've finally done something right…right?

 _Maybe…maybe you do deserve to be happy…_

 **FIN**

Please review and tell me what you think. And thanks for reading it to the end.


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